Nonbinary AU
Nov. 12th, 2019 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
entanglingbriarsThere's an AU where I identify as nonbinary. It's not significantly different from the world I inhabit, but in it I use they/them pronouns, perhaps know a little more about putting on makeup and paint my nails more often, and opt for gender-neutral bathrooms whenever possible. In that AU, I treat the vague sense of discomfort I experience when people use he/him pronouns for me as indicative that those pronouns are inappropriate for me and that it is therefore worth it to ask people to use they/them pronouns for me.
I also get misgendered a hell of a lot more and intentional misgendering hurts far more than the unintentional kind. I have to explain what is apparently a complex and confusing topic every time I meet a new person. I have to fight with my family over their conception of me, and inevitably lose in at least some cases. If I choose to present more outwardly feminine, I risk rejection and violence; if I chose not to, I feel like I'm lying about myself.
My actual sense of gender, dysphoria, and so on in that AU is not at all different from what it is in this world. There are things about that AU that are preferable to this one, but on the whole I'm okay that I've opted for the world where I identify as cis and male.
There is, I suppose, an AU where I identify as nonbinary and am out of the closet about it in some contexts, and closeted in others, but that sort of dual existence is something I've also tried and disliked, and is ultimately worse than either of the alternatives.
I also get misgendered a hell of a lot more and intentional misgendering hurts far more than the unintentional kind. I have to explain what is apparently a complex and confusing topic every time I meet a new person. I have to fight with my family over their conception of me, and inevitably lose in at least some cases. If I choose to present more outwardly feminine, I risk rejection and violence; if I chose not to, I feel like I'm lying about myself.
My actual sense of gender, dysphoria, and so on in that AU is not at all different from what it is in this world. There are things about that AU that are preferable to this one, but on the whole I'm okay that I've opted for the world where I identify as cis and male.
There is, I suppose, an AU where I identify as nonbinary and am out of the closet about it in some contexts, and closeted in others, but that sort of dual existence is something I've also tried and disliked, and is ultimately worse than either of the alternatives.
